The world’s youngest Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai made history last week when she gave the bickering people of Pakistan a cause to unite for. The nation is ready to forget mutual differences to become one in their hatred for the 17-year-old schoolgirl.

Expressing concerns that the development will give wrong ideas to other children, people belonging to various sections of the society slammed the decision to reward an insubordinate teenager in the following ways:

“Okay so she won a Nobel prize. Big deal. I mean fine, it’s a significant achievement, but she should focus more on learning about how to cook and what to wear. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for girls’ education, but a Nobel prize will not get you a good husband. Girls should go to university. That is important. My own daughter has a Master’s degree and she got very good grades. But PhD and Nobel prize are a little too much in my opinion.”

Zaibun Nisa,

Housewife.

“This is unfair. You cannot compare Malala Yousafzai with Dr Abdus Salam. Malala took a bullet to her head. Abdus Salam studied physics. I would prefer taking a bullet to my head over studying physics any time. It is much easier.

Also, how many people in Pakistan take bullets to their heads? And how many study physics? More than 60,000 people have been killed by the Taliban. Only a few hundred have the courage to go to university and face physics.”

Aqalmand Khan,

Professor.

“I have been going to school for almost seven years now and I seriously do not get why going to school is so important. In times when children are already running out of excuses for staying home, such pro-school propaganda will make things worse for students. There was a time when a simple stomach ache could get you to stay home. And now she’s saying we can’t even miss school if the Taliban shoot us in the head? Where is this going? Malala is making it worse for us.

Also, have you seen the kind of things they print in textbooks these days? I’m sure the blokes who shot her were radicalized because they went to school. Malala does not speak for us.”

Jan Nisar,

Student.

“I heard on the news that Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel prize for peace. Unfortunately, on the same day, Pakistan lost a cricket series to Australia. We couldn’t even win a single game. I can safely conclude that Malala Yousafzai was only able to fight a formidable enemy and come out victorious because Misbahul Haq wasn’t her captain. She could not have won with Misbah. She would definitely have lost.”

Abdul Razak,

Software Engineer.

“There was a time when girls wore clothes to conceal, but these days girls wear clothes to reveal. If you look at Malala’s recent speeches, such as her press conference after winning the Nobel prize, you don’t have to make too much of an effort to see that some part of her hair visible. This is no way to conduct yourself in public. I am surprised that her father was standing there and he said nothing.

Pakistan was made in the name of Islam, and there is no space for nudity and vulgarity in our society.”

Maulana Mustana,

Religious Scholar.

“I have been writing columns about education, development and peace for more than twenty years, but nobody ever listened to my advice. I predicted everything in my columns but nobody was paying heed. And I don’t even get my salary. And this girl wrote one blog for a foreign website, and suddenly she deserves a Nobel prize?”

Shabbir Dekhega,

Journalist and Senior Analyst.

“First they gave a Nobel prize to a non-Muslim, and now they have given one to a girl. You can see a pattern emerging here. The Jews have shown which side they are on. This makes it easy for us. We know who is our true enemy within us. We should fight terror with terror.”

Gen Bahadur,

Defense Analyst.

“While you all seem to remember Malala for taking a bullet to her head, you don’t remember Abdus Sattar Edhi in whose ambulance they took her to the hospital so her life could be saved. The award should have been given to Abdus Sattar Edhi. Imran Khan also fell from the stage and broke his back. An Edhi ambulance took him to hospital. The award should have been given to Abdus Sattar Edhi, or to Imran Khan. Not to Malala.”

Vicky Malhotra,

Youth Activist.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

harris@nyu.edu

@cyborgasms