Caliphate of Islam, Beacon of Light, Land of the Pure: joy to believers around the world, Pakistan is fasting! Top question today, and all this month:

“Yaar aapka roza hai?”

For the spiritually inclined, Ramzan is a time to rejoice the blessings that this month brings. For the not so spiritually inclined, well, let’s just say it’s going to be a very, very long month.

As one Muslim brother aptly put: “If you’re not fasting, at least have the decency to lie about it.”

For the believers, here’s all you need to know to stay on the right side of Ramzan this year. Get your goodness in style.

IN: Watching Iftari telecast

The man who does it best is none other than religious scholar and part time beard model Amir Liacute. He returns with the exact same message this year – just on a different channel. Not to be missed if you want to get closer to God.

With a smile that could make the devil blush (and does), he brings to us an extravaganza of religiosity. Millions of Pakistanis listen in a daze as he belts out religious edict after edict, and spiritual hymns in a voice so melodious even nightingales start converting to Islam.

Tune in at Iftar o clock, or get ready to look awkward at those Al-Huda meetings.

OUT: Speaking in Urdu

If you really want to buttress your credentials in this Month of Months, start your Arabic lessons today. Without a good Arabic accent and choice words, you are likely to be called out on any chic iftari.

With great new additions like Suhoor and Jannah, this Ramadan is already off to a brisk start. While our politicians need to learn entire verses, a very throaty Jazak Allah will save your blushes in a bind. If you are stuck with a bad throat just go with a quadfecta of Jannah, Suhoor, Iftaar and Salah and your Islam cred is likely to soar.

IN: Washing feet is IN

You know you are in a spiritual place when you see a small canal forming near washrooms everywhere. Embrace feet washing. Let’s be honest.. the first part of your body to enter paradise will be your foot.

Your heart is warmed by the fact that so many of your brethren are finally cleaning their feet in the office sink. No great ablution is complete without this ritual. I was overjoyed when I learnt that it was not just the sink where people were washing their feet but anywhere where running water was present. The Muslim showers are utilised, the kitchen sink is conquered. It really is a bonanza of feet, faucets and dripping water.

The rule is simple: as a fasting Muslim, if you see running water, put your feet in it.  Oh, the aroma of momins’ feet just lifts me up and it should you as well. The weirder the place you wash your feet, the better.

The best part: your feet don’t even need to be clean after you’ve washed up!

OUT: Qawali

While the lyrics are astonishingly blasphemous, the singers sufficiently lubricated and the music not limited to duffly and drum, Qawali was once the prescribed music for the rozaydar with virtue. Well, those times have passed. I mean, let’s be honest, Qawali is so last 300 years. Especially with Shaista-Gate in hindsight, keep a safe distance and start listening to those Naats loudly and proudly.

IN: Naats

Gone are the days of one man singing acapella next to a plastic palm tree in a badly constructed desert landscape. This is the age of the modern day Naat Khawan. This guy is trying to help the momins solve a crucial problem, i.e. how to continue listening to Indian movie songs during Ramzan. The answer is deafeningly simple: change the lyrics. Let a man with a high beard-to-waist ratio sing it and voila... you have the Modern Naat.

Start slow with classics from Junaid Jamshed’s Naat album and slowly move on to a new age of Bollywood Naat. It gives you the glitz of Bollywood and the depth of a shallow grave.

In no time, you will be humming along to these timeless tunes.

With all these ins and outs, you are now well equipped to handle your Ramzan needs. “Stay hungry, be foolish.” And remember, a true momin never stops questioning. So here are my top questions this Ramzan:

1. To brush or not to brush my teeth in the morning?

2. How much water can enter my mouth while bathing?

3. What is the exact time to stop eating at Sehri?

4. How much flatulence before I have to tell my friend he needs to do the ablution again?

n    Adam Ghaznavi wanted to be a comic but ended up working at a Startup.