Who says that Finland provides the best educational system to its students? Well whosoever claims so is yet to behold the spectacle of earnest diligence we put in ours. With the grace of God and our holier-than-thou attitude (which is totally justified), our education system supersedes all others around the globe. The fact that the merits of our education system are not brought forward on the international platform is the inevitable consequence of the “Hindu Sazish.” Don’t believe me? Just keep your eyes locked to this space, I shall prove with my intellectual acumen of epic proportions, that I am indeed incontrovertibly on point.

The list of qualities that attests our glory with regards to education is pretty exhausting. Pardon me, I meant exhaustive. Let’s start off by heaping praise on private institutions ‘cause that’s gonna go down well with our corporate culture. The thing I like about them is that they require in-advance non-refundable tuition fees. Is this a good thing? Well of course it is! Parents and students, both know that if they are to abandon that particular institute in the quest of gaining admission somewhere else, their good money is going to go down the drain. This enables a student to make a decision and stand by it because changing decisions indicates confusion and may prove troublesome in their “practical lives.’’ The private primary schools, however, have taken this “incubation of practical life” to a whole new level. As many of these require parents to enroll their children before their mothers go to labour, it can be said that this training of practical life has reached from a teenager to a developing fetus. Nowhere else in the world is such dedication to train the students for their future being witnessed.

An allegation against the private institutes, which I find completely incongruent with common sense, is that they demand huge sums of money. What I fail to understand is how this is a bad system. An institution’s board of governors has invested their share of money in building a top notch institution which is only for the students who come from a “respectable” and exclusive contour of the society. Those who cannot afford simply don’t qualify needless to mention the triviality of intelligence. To keep such low lives away, the prospectus and registration forms alone cost much. What an efficient caste system… bravo!

The government schools of Pakistan are second to none. While other schools in various countries were busy creating education opportunities for the mentally or physically challenged, our government schools took the initiative of educating animals! Yes, animals. This initiative left many spellbound as this truly was a giant leap in the rich history of Pakistan’s literacy. In many rural areas, the cattle of the local feudal lords are kept inside class rooms where lectures are supposed to take place. Have you ever seen such level of justice and equality anywhere else in the world? “Yeh tabdeli nahi tou kiya ha”! The so-called experts who deemed Finland the most educationally sophisticated country will soon tag the animals of Pakistan as the most literate ones. Who knows one day a “chatra” might bring us a Nobel Prize, he will definitely be more popular than our current Nobel laureates. Also, men as good as sheep have landed as good a degree as a doctorate from as good a university as one from Pakistan.

The government schools and colleges of Pakistan reflect the true essence of learning. So what if the teachers and students are irregular when it comes to attendance. The students can still do well in their examinations since they are certified bluff masters. Over the years, students have developed novel means of cheating in their exams. But you need not worry if you do not possess the prowess. Just stuff a few colored photographs of the founder in the invigilator’s pocket (preferably blue and ideally golden) and you are good to go. In a few schools in the rural area, the escapade of introducing the biometric system of attendance was taken. Our mullah brothers, however did save the day like they always do by uninstalling these un-Islamic devices which, despite their small size, can drive our Islamic youth towards atheism.

Speaking of our religion, the new middle school science text books, published for our Pashtun brothers and sisters in KP, are truly one of a kind. These textbooks state that Darwin’s theory of evolution is fundamentally wrong, scientifically unproven and thoroughly rotten. Finally a book that has sufficed me regarding Darwin’s idiotic opinion. I mean, how on earth could someone explain the origin of the human race? The ones who could have were the first human beings who are long dead now. The language used in that textbook is so awe-inspiring and motivational that for me to explain it in simple words is out of the question. Just have a look at this page from that book and you will understand my notion:

A few days back, while I was surfing on the tides of the internet, I saw a school’s notice in which the kindergarten students were instructed to come to school all dressed up like baratis. Finally, a school which did not waste its meagre resources on a clichéd science or a boom fair. The children are better off dressing up like brides and grooms as this will nourish their dress sense because its importance exceeds that of science, literature or anything related to academia. In Pakistan, education is not only valued by institutions or related government departments but also by the cable operators. There was a time when science quizzes and shows were aired on various television channels daily. Nowadays there is hardly a channel which airs something intellectual or otherwise related to education. Some people who criticize it have deemed it a rogue action. This clearly shows their lack of understanding as they know not that a student who studies the entire day turns his television on for mental replenishment, and what better way to relish this transient period than by listening to the very prestigious genre of music, commonly known as “item songs.” These enthralling cabarets have the potential to take the stress out of a tired mind.

Last, but definitely not the least, the schools in Pakistan welcome aboard toddlers of three and half years. While other countries criticize this and encourage the parents to admit their child once he has reached at least five years of age, this is yet another area in which Pakistan gained so much momentum, in one case or another, that the international community was not able to keep pace with it. This, despite the fact that different researches contradict our approach, saying that the early years of a child’s life are the ones in which his personality is still in its developmental phase, thus he should spend this time in the light of his parents’ guidance. What they are unaware of is that spending these years in a school with his peers will teach him the art of lying and how to act innocent in front of the one in charge. Once a student has acquired this skillset, everyone knows that he is going to stay out of harm’s way in this country.

Keeping in view all the facts mentioned above, the reader can say that Pakistan is, without a doubt, a country which knows how to educate her youth in the best possible way. Countries such as India will continue declaring our education system as one which has many loopholes but they do this out of pure old fashioned jealousy propelled by the fact that Humayun Saeed is so obviously sexier than Shah Rukh Khan.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire.